Good Conversations
There’s no way of avoiding conflict. An underlying cause of most conflicts is the differences people bring—their unique perspectives based on backgrounds and experiences. These differences can cause us to develop blinders and see the situation through a set of unique lenses.
In his book, How to Know a Person, David Brooks, the New York Times op-ed columnist, provides insights into removing those blinders, seeing someone else deeply, and accurately knowing them.
Good Talks. Brooks stresses the importance of conversation. “A good conversationalist is capable of leading people on a mutual expedition towards understanding.” Key to understanding is the ability to listen—mainly, to listen to learn.
Be curious about each other's experience. Find the truth underneath the disagreement—something you both agree on. Find the disagreement under the disagreement—why you each believe what you do.
The Right Questions. Brooks says asking a good question is showing humility. You’re confessing that you don't know something and that you want to learn. It’s a way of honoring the other person.
Open-ended questions, he says, are humble questions. Ask questions that begin with phrases such as:
How did you...
What's it like...
Tell me about...
In what ways…
Asking someone, “Why is this a problem for you?” is a way of exploring what in their past led them to their current beliefs. Doing so shows you are expressing genuine interest in them.
Hard Conversations. One type of hard conversation occurs across perceived power inequities and often occur in the workplace. Communications in these situations often start off reserved and guarded. People are tempted to run from them. In those situations, consider:
How do I fit into this situation?
What possibilities does this situation afford?
· What do my capabilities (physical, intellectual, social, and economic) enable me to contribute to this situation?
Let the other person know you want to understand their point of view—how the situation looks to them. Ask “What am I missing here?” The goal: create a shared pool of knowledge as a means of resolving the conflict.
If things go bad, that’s the time to go to the balcony—a useful technique to take a break and cool off, gain a new perspective, and consider an approach to refocus the conversation.
April is Workplace Conflict Awareness month, a good time to brush up on your conflict resolution and communication skills.